The Fall

 *Please note the below could be triggering, this is my journey through depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, its purpose is to allow my vulnerability and openness to be helpful and connect to others also traveling on the struggle bus. If you find these topics disturbing and/or feel judgmental about reading this topic you definitely want to skip over this one.

 

 

 

A day comes when life comes crashing down, this could be an unexpected death, terminal illness, a divorce, job loss, or any life change that is traumatic for us. We are coasting along and all of a sudden the bottom drops out, some of us live in anxiety waiting for this moment, for some it comes out of nowhere and we are left picking our jaw up off the ground. 

I have dealt with a lot of tough shit in my day, I mean most of us can say that right? This journey has been one of the hardest. To preserve the privacy of the others involved in this situation I will not go into details other than to share my perspective and journey through it.  

 

 

I declare I am Sun in Sagittarius, and Rising in Sagittarius, you will hear me say this a lot because I am proud of this. What this means to you reader is I am a super positive person, I try to find the good in every situation, the lesson in every struggle, and ways to make myself laugh maybe at your expense. The past couple of months after my Bell Rock Climb in Sedona, AZ, my life got dark, I got dark. I fell into a horrible depression. I had to make a hard decision to protect a family member, costing me the relationship I once thought I knew was solid and unbreakable, hopefully not permanently but hopefully only in the short term. This was a situation in which I was trying to protect a loved one from something I lived through myself earlier in life.

My situation caused me a lot of physical and emotional damage. As humans, we naturally try to connect and help others through our own experiences right!? Maybe this was my mistake because it hit so close home to me, it became me, it became my weight again to carry. The circumstances triggered my inner younger person and shined a light on the unhealed trauma of emotional and physical abuse from a peer. It also brought up what led me to this person and place, the lack of self-love, confidence, feelings of abandonment and dysfunction in relationships. All the while, trying to work through this dear family member’s feelings and traumas. 

 

 

I fell hard. I began struggling with anxiety and depression with horrible suicidal thoughts. Please know that I am not sharing this for empathy. I hope to share these life lessons with the possibility of reaching someone who needs to know they are not alone. Think of it as Wendy Lloyd’s outreach program. I spent a good 8 weeks crying every day. I cocooned myself in my house with the most unbearable pain in my heart. I am Sun in Sagittarius, what was happening to me!?

 

On July 4th I decided to quit drinking because my depression was that bad. I am not a heavy drinker but found myself drinking one or two glasses of wine a night to deal with my pain, taking “the edge of” some might say. I also started being super conscious of what foods I was putting in my body, which is humorous, cause all the while I wanted to die. The pain in my heart was fucking unbearable. I’m being open about my feelings because we tend to isolate ourselves when the shit gets dark, which I did but now it’s time to let the light back in plus I did some really good things, unintentionally, during this time. 

 

Every day I gave myself a to-do list of tasks that I wanted to complete. I got a ton of home improvement projects done and my house looks amazing, it’s clean and organized all the time. The completion of those tasks is what I called my daily “little wins.” My tears are starting to fall typing this because it sounds rather sad but it is the truth. I was really struggling with what I now understand as grief. I was grieving my relationship with my close family member, missing them and still do terribly, I was grieving for my teenage self and all that I had endured and grieving my lack of wisdom to make this situation different. 

 

My daily voice was “see no one loves you”, “how can anyone love you”, and “you aren’t worth shit and you will never be worth shit”. God, what an asshole right? Our minds can be such dicks. In addition to my daily wins, alcohol-free, eating mindfully, and moving daily, I got a therapist. I got a yoga therapist because I knew those healing modalities are what resonate with me. We do talk therapy but she gives me tools for my toolbox that are under the Yoga umbrella. Please don’t ever be afraid to get help and I highly recommend it especially if you are having dark feelings. I love you and you deserve only the best things in life and the best things in life aren’t always free, we have to work towards them. A therapist, like the Universe/God/Nature(whatever this is for you), holds our hand while we find our light again.

 

 

My therapist reminded me of all the good in me and the good things I was doing and helped me see my worthiness again. She gave me simple tools, that I will be sharing, that made a big impact. I want you to know that it’s ok to cocoon sometimes in our lives. Just think of the evolution of the butterfly. You don’t want to stay there forever cause you want to get those beautiful wings but home gave me comfort on those really dark days. I closed myself off from a lot of people not maliciously but again, Sun in Sagittarians, we don’t want to bring anyone down, especially because my job and life’s purpose is to help others. I eventually shared with my closest people, how dark the place I was in, even my suicidal thoughts. I want to clarify, I didn’t have a suicide plan, I just felt deeply unworthy and unloved. That has been a longtime mantra of mine.

It’s why I love on you all so much, it’s why you mean so much to me and why you get treated like I’ve known you forever. I don’t want anyone to ever feel alone, unworthy, unloved, and not good enough. I know that feeling so fucking well and it hurts me so much to think of you going through that.

 

The entire time I was struggling with dark days, I would wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, I should be prepared for this. My life work is preparing for just this shit. However, as you know when you have that dark veil on, you can’t see that you are moving forward and how many steps you were actually taking. Two weeks ago I decided I no longer wanted to hold on to what I couldn’t control and was going to protect myself. I decided to redirect my energy back into things that gave me joy, like my business and being present for my family and friends. I let down the weight on my shoulders. I am being present and grateful for each moment that I am safe from my dark thoughts, that I feel ok, when I’m with friends, when I laugh, wake up in my favorite place in the mornings, drink my favorite coffee, and at this very moment as I type this to you sitting on my beautiful screened in porch, while my dogs lay at my side, feeling the summer air against my skin…feeling calm, content and joy. 

 

I never gave up on myself. In fact, I was using my toolbox the entire time and never gave myself credit. I invited the feelings of depression and anxiety, I sat with them, let them take over, and did all the things to nurture myself. I haven’t had a sip of alcohol since the 4th of July, I have eaten healthy every day more than for 30 days, I even honored and was present going to Sweet Frog aka Sweet Balls(my Dad called it Sweet Balls one day because he’s old and misheard me, you can only imagine how hard Easton and laughed at this.) I gave myself things to do daily as a form of meditation to keep my asshole mind busy, I moved consistently and often, and I worked with loving affirmations DAILY. I had strength all along, thank you Bell Rock! I was so fucking present for all of this, I mean it hurt and felt like shit but I would do it all over. 

Each step I take towards healing a part of myself, becoming more grounded and stronger in self-love and confidence are steps well worth taking. This is why we wade down in the shit, the muck, the mud…and wouldn’t you know this is where the Lotus grows. The symbol for enlightenment, purity, rebirth, and strength. Yoga teaches us to be present and in this presence, we build a relationship with ourselves, and just like every relationship, there will be obstacles. That’s the duality in life…without darkness, there is no light vice versus. 

 

 

There is a one word Mantra that I received as a premonition in a dream that got me through the darkness and will always be a permanent part of me. You cannot miss this…it’s wild as shit.

 

 

I am doing much better. I feel joy, gratitude, and self-love. Of course, figured out the silver lining. I have more self-love work to do but I love this shit. I love the work! I love growing, healing, and stepping into life as bloomed lotus. The mud sucks but the bloom makes it all worth it.